5 Questions to Defuse Any Conflict—Usable in Under Five Minutes
Most arguments spiral because we react before we reflect. A single hasty text or clipped remark can harden into hours—or years—of tension. Use the five questions below to pause, reframe, and move any conflict toward resolution.
1. What am I feeling right now?
Why it works: Naming an emotion (“I’m anxious,” “I’m disappointed”) activates the prefrontal cortex and dampens the amygdala—an effect known as affect labeling. Clarity replaces raw reactivity.
2. What need sits beneath that feeling?
Emotions surface when a core need—respect, autonomy, belonging—is met or frustrated. Identifying the need steers the conversation from blame (“You’re careless”) to values (“I need reliability”).
3. What might the other person be feeling?
Perspective-taking reduces defensive bias. Even a tentative guess (“They might be overwhelmed”) softens your tone and signals empathy.
4. What shared goal do we both care about?
Whether it’s a clean kitchen or an on-time product launch, spotlighting common ground turns opponents into collaborators.
5. What clear, doable request can move us forward?
Trade vague complaints for specific actions: “Could we agree on 24-hour notice if plans change?” A concrete request invites a concrete yes—or a constructive counteroffer.
Why This Checklist Works
The questions follow a proven arc: emotion → need → empathy → common ground → action. It aligns with non-violent communication principles and decades of conflict-resolution research, yet fits in a pocket—or a busy Slack thread.
Field Test
Scenario 1: Roommate Dish Dispute
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Before: “You never do your dishes—this is disgusting.”
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After using the checklist:
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Feeling: Frustrated
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Need: Clean living space
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Other’s feeling: Tired after late shifts
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Shared goal: Comfortable apartment
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Request: “Can we both clear dishes by bedtime?”
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Scenario 2: Manager vs. Designer Deadline
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Before: “This mock-up is late again—do you even care about timelines?”
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After the checklist:
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Feeling: Stressed
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Need: Predictable delivery
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Other’s feeling: Pressure to perfect details
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Shared goal: Launch on schedule with quality intact
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Request: “Let’s lock the scope by noon tomorrow so we can both hit Friday.”
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Bring These Questions into Every Chat
Imagine an AI mediator that surfaces these prompts automatically, rewrites heated messages for clarity, and protects privacy end-to-end. That’s the vision behind Easypeace.